As a Mormon my entire life I've been encouraged to make and keep goals. While serving as a "missionary guide" on Temple Square I was strongly admonished to make individual weekly and monthly goals. In addition my companion, whoever the lucky gal was at the time, and I were to make and keep companionship goals.
So much has changed since my mission. Now my goal setting is limited to New Year's and academic semesters. Although my goals seem consistent from year to year, this year I have established a motto for the year. 2006 will be known as the year of "Down With Men." Sound familiar? All my girlfriends ask, "Isn't that the name of a movie?" or "Have you seen that movie, Down With Love?" My answers are always the same. "No," is my response to the first inquiry, and "Yes," is my answer to the second.
You may be wondering why I have chosen this motto for the new year instead of another. Well, after much serious reflection and several personal experiences I have decided its time to take a break emotionally, mentally and physically from men.
One thing I have noticed about myself, is how nuts I become when I'm interested in a man. Suddenly every woman is out to win his affections, he is attracted to every woman he meets and he lies about everything. These thoughts of paranoia transform me into an "emotional trainwreck." The metamorphosis is even more terrifing if the object of my affection is a Mormon. This means the stakes are higher and if failure ensues the hurt greater.
Considering my 2005 dating experiences, in addition to previous disasters, I say Down With Men!
Leslie, my counterpart in the American Studies Program, was chiding me about my decision yesterday. "Amber," she said, "you are the most boy-crazy woman I know. I bet you will have a new boyfriend in a week." I love Leslie to death and truly value her opinions but for anyone who knows me, this is simply not true.
Case in point. For Christmas my brother gave me two magnets. One depicts a girl passing gas. Yes, I have to admit, I have a slight problem with gas but that's beside the point. The other magnet shows the same girl kicking a guy in the balls. The boy is screaming in pain.
Four years ago my own mother, who's motto has always been Down With Men, bought me a postcard from the Rhett Butler store in Charleston for Christmas. She could have chosen any scene from Gone With the Wind, i.e. Scarlett at the BBQ, Scarlett and her father looking at Tara, Scarlett in the red gown, Rhett carrying Scarlett up the staircase, but which one did my mother choose? The postcard of Scarlett slapping Rhett across the face. So, for those who really know me, 2006's motto Down With Men is not surprising. In fact, given past and present circumstances, its long overdue.
It is interesting to relate since declaring my motto one ghost from my past has reemerged. Scott, my San Fran water polo champ and former West Point cadet, sent me an email just before Christmas. Prior to this attempt at communication, I have not heard from Scott since May. In response to his email, I, diplomatically, told him to buzz off.
Three days later, I receive another email from Scott. In this email Scott claims he wants to renew our friendship and make a goal to see one another again. (We met while Scott was in DC for the Presidential Inaguration.)
I am not sure what I should do about Scott. Songs from Primary keep popping in my head, namely "Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too. When you're heart is filled with love. Others will love you." Then the Down With Men side says, "The guy's a liar. Plus, he's younger, not LDS and has nothing in common with you. You can never be 'just friends' with a man. They always have one objective."
I have offered men second chances in the past, which I have always regretted. They always prove unworthy of any kindness I extend. In fact, the worse I treat a man the better he treats me. I honestly don't understand this behavior and what's more important, I am incapable of playing that game. I value honesty above all else in a relationship. I could never be something or someone I am not. To pretend disinterest in a man, to secure his, is ridiculous. So, I shout Down With Men.
But the Sunday School voice persists and the dilemna continues. For now, I will leave it. He's in Brazil, I'm in DC and 2006 is the year of ME! Whatever anxiety he suffers in anticipation for my answer is not my concern. He made his bed.
Heartless, you criticize. Selfish, you chide. How can anyone, especially a Mormon feel good about devoting a year to themselves. Easy. Men do it every second of every day. :)