Tis Better to Know or Not to Know...

is a question I have been pondering this week. I often hear people say, "if only I knew when or where or how much longer I have to wait for a certain something," the waiting would be easier. Uncertainty has never been something I courted but nevertheless is a companion I have been promised will accompany me throughout life. Uncertainty can be exciting, yielding pleasant surprises that leave us with warm memories we cherish for a lifetime. More often than not, uncertainty bears unwelcome incidents that leave us wounded and afraid.

In March of 2007, Desiree and I traveled to Atlanta to crash her friend's wedding. The six hour drive to Atlanta was the perfect opportunity to catch-up. During our conversation Desi mentioned her roommate's mother had given her a love reading. I thought it was exciting and asked Des if her roommate's mother would be willing to give me one as well. Desiree called her roommate who subsequently connected me to her mother.

This woman had never met me. She had not seen a photo of me either. She had no idea how tall I was or how old I was yet she proceeded to give me a love reading that I have often thought about since.

She said I would meet the man I was going to marry within the next two years. We would meet at an event where we would be dressed-up; she explained she saw a hayride or a costume party. We concluded from this it may be around Halloween. She said he would be medium height around 5'10" but would not exceed 6'. He would have dark blonde or light curly brown hair. He would have a L in his name or as an initial. I would have dated his cousin or roommate or close friend. Once we meet we will have a long courtship that will result in marriage.

I remember thinking, "right." It may happen for Desiree but things like this rarely work out for me. Nevertheless, the thought of meeting someone on Halloween was exciting and I have been anticipating the holiday with more enthusiasm than I normally would.

Last Halloween I was with Corey. Needless to say I did not meet anyone nor did I care to. When I met Corey who had a L initial and was of average height I thought, despite the hair, he could be pretty close to "the one." He was brillant, kind, funny, and successful. We could hang out for hours doing absolutely nothing and still have a good time. However as time progressed, it was clear Corey was not "the one" and it was time to move on. I care for and miss him dearly. I wonder how he is and hope he is happy; even if it means he is with someone else.

This Halloween I am absolutely single. I haven't been on a date, let alone been in a relationship, for five months and I'm surprisingly OK with that. Since my Mother passed away I haven't been the same. I have so much to work through emotionally and spiritually that I'm not really ready for something serious. I would appreciate a good guy friend I can hang out with but to be completely "real" if "Mr. Right" appeared this Halloween I wouldn't complain.

But if he does... is it better that I anticipated meeting him before or is it better not to know? To be completely caught of guard. If I really do meet someone this Halloween am I ready? Am I willing to forfeit my life as a single woman? I don't know. And it's true... when you know something I think it compromises the magic that not knowing brings.

Tonight I am going to a masquerade with Amanda. Last month I decided I was going to celebrate this holiday come what may. If I meet someone, Great! If not, nothing lost. I rented a costume from Josette's, I got a pedicure this morning from TNT Nails and my hair done at Her Majesty's by a lady that's been doing hair for fifty years. I feel good and I think I look pretty good but do I really want to meet a man when I look better than usual? Wouldn't it be better to meet a man when I look horrible? Questions I believe every female has entertained at least once in her life. We all want to meet "the one" in some unique, clever way. We all want a story we can boast and impress friends and family with for years to come. We all want to feel that spark and to immediately know our waiting is over but how often does that really happen?

And although things like this never happen to me would it be so bad if it did? For once? If it really was my turn? If something beautiful resulted from this horribly painful year? If I could end this year with someone I loved and begin the new year with him too or will I appreciate the circumstance more if I meet him after I have abandoned all hope? Bringing me back to my initial question...tis better to know or not to know? What do you think?

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Yummy, yummy.

Since 300, like the rest of all woman-kind, I've been addicted to one Mr. G. Butler. This is the trailer I promised Boo I'd post. Mmmmm.

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Best chat of the week

STLRamsGirl95: Moments you're happy you got dressed for the day: a ladder hits the space below your window followed a fraction of a second later by a male face.
Tara: a cute one?

STLRamsGirl95: No.
STLRamsGirl95: He's our building handyman, Tom. He's like 459 years old
STLRamsGirl95: But a nice guy.

Tara: lol
Tara: damn
Tara: cause THAT would make for a good story

STLRamsGirl95: You're not kidding
STLRamsGirl95: And, let's face it, instant love on his part
STLRamsGirl95: lol
STLRamsGirl95: ;)

Tara: of course

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Fall Pictures

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Each morning I enjoy reading NPR. Friday morning there was an inspirational story about love, one of my favorite emotions. I have posted the article below just in case my friends missed it. The couple are pictured in the photo above.
" Ben and Bernice Finn met on a blind date. It was eight months after the end of World War II, and Ben had recently returned home to Brooklyn, N.Y., after serving in the Army.
'My two best friends were Hank and Eddie,' Ben said. And unlike Ben, they both had girlfriends. So, the two asked Ben if he'd like to go out with them — and a blind date.
'In those days, you wore a suit and a tie when you went on a date,' Ben said.
'I didn't have a suit to my name. So, I bought a suit to match the tie that I had.'
That sparked a memory from Bernice: 'Did it have apples on it?'
'It had apples on it, yes.'
'I was very nervous,' Ben said. 'She was so pretty.'
'I remember that day very well,' Bernice said. 'And no, you weren't pretty.'
But when the couples all went out that night, there was a chill in the air.
'And I took your arm,' Bernice said.
'I was thrilled by that,' Ben said.
'And the reason I took your arm is, you seemed nervous. And I wanted to make you more comfortable.'
The group went to a coffee shop, where they all started ordering hamburgers and drinks — everyone, that is, except for Ben. He didn't order anything.
'And I say to myself, 'Oh my God, I bet he doesn't have any money,' Bernice remembered.
'And there I am, starving,' she said. 'And I ordered black coffee. Because I was afraid my date didn't have any money. So, you owe me a hamburger,' she told Ben.
'I have no memory of that,' Ben said. 'Maybe it was I didn't have any money. Maybe I was just cheap. I don't know.'
'Okay,' Bernice said. 'I'll buy that second explanation."
The couple dated for two years before getting married. Ben eventually got a master's degree in education and taught elementary school. The Finns have two children, Gail and Steven, and three grandchildren.
Their 60th wedding anniversary will be this Christmas, Dec. 25."

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Claim to Fame

Tonight Claudia, Amanda and Hugh came over for a movie night. Our movie of choice was This Property is Condemned a Francis Ford Coppola film based on the 1946 one-act play by Tennessee Williams. Although the story is set in Dodson, Mississippi the film was filmed in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi the town where we are currently conducting our intensive survey of historic structures.
Typical of Williams, the female lead, Alva (Wood), is a confused Southern woman who uses her looks and charm to advance herself. Legate (Redford) is a transient, aloof male, who falls for her act despite his best efforts to resist her. Anyone who is familiar with Williams can easily predict how the story will end.
The couple meet in a boarding house which is still standing in "the Bay." Its interesting to see how the building has evolved over the past fifty years. The stained glass windows and gingerbread trim are gone and the roof remains fractured and exposed to the elements.
The city plans to transform the deteriorating structure into a theatre. I think its a wonderful idea and hope the work commences and concludes during my stay here. Apart from the railroad station, this building is the only structure remaining in "the Bay" that links the town to a world larger than its own. Its a physical reminder of brighter days, prior to Katrina, when historic houses lined the beach and Hollywood stars strolled the streets.
If you are curious about the work I am doing in Mississippi I encourage you rent this film. If you enjoy Williams you won't be disappointed.

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Sometimes I'm productive.

Today I managed to get laundry done, buy food storage, clean the car, clean my desk, organize my files, bake banana bread, make dinner, groom two animals, take a test, make a plan, frame some pictures, scan some others and talk to friends!

Not a bad day for an unemployed girl.

Now, if only there were sex in that list...

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Chasing Rainbows

Last summer (2007) I was counseled to look for rainbows. Since receiving that counsel my eyes have often searched the skies, during light showers, hoping to see a rainbow.
Before moving to Mississippi I rarely saw rainbows. Due to the tropical climate and an increased opportunity to work outdoors I often see them. The photo above was taken from my balcony in July, shortly after my birthday. I was so excited I cried.
Today while driving to Bay St. Louis we spotted two rainbows. My coworkers and I have often discussed the pros and cons about living in Mississippi. It may not be paradise. There is definitely a shortage of single men I find attractive and eligible to date making many evenings very lonely but as Hugh says, "it's a great place for regrouping; for finding yourself again." I think he may be right.
There is a little cafe we enjoy lunching at in "the Bay" called the Mosquito Hawk. A small sign on the wall states, "you find yourself near the water." Perhaps that is why I am here. To find myself again; to regroup, heal and look for meaningful ways to transform this painful period in my life into a season of learning; of refinement.
Eight months ago I could not imagine living my life in a meaningful way minus the companionship of my mother and one of my dearest friends. Although I still experience crushing grief and discouragement I thank God for sending me rainbows to remind me that His promises are sure and one day I will be reunited with those I love so dear and have lost. I hope I never forget the counsel I have been given to search for rainbows and in doing so, continue to feel joy each time I see them.

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