Amber and I have heard lots recently about how quiet things have been here. I know she won't mind me speaking a gentle apology to our friends.

I was sitting here at my desk today thinking about how much time I have to think right now. I know, I hear it. It's the first sign of hermitage. Don't worry. We're not truly at risk of my adoration for all things social ceasing.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. What I'm trying to say is that with sufficient time to pause and think, you start sorting through stuff. I think both Amber and I are doing that now. We're sorting through what we want next, how to deal with the decision of the past and all that's associated with those. While it's noisy in my head, I'm surprised by how much I enjoy the quiet of my life here and how much it's showing me about my true colors.

In any case, please excuse our lack of outer expression for a bit. We'll be back in force eventually. In the mean time, go kiss a hot boy as a tribute to us.

(overcast day + shiny new laptop) + unemployed = day in bed studying.

That crunching sound you hear? That me. In front of a fast-moving train.

I loved Anna Nalick's first album. Today, cruising around YouTube, I found this song. I have to confess that I'm addicted to it already.

Dooce posted today about an exhibit she found stunning. I have to say that I agree. You can find it here.

Please know that the series is called "Life before Death" and features portraits of subjects on both sides of that title. I find the works stunning in their simplicity and humanity. There is something inherently beautiful in each of these bodies we have, even if we have trouble seeing it.

It's cruel.


It's not spring yet. The days start to clear up, to give you some sunlight, and you know that warm weather is right around the corner. We're so hopeful about it that you can actually see people bundled up, standing outside eating Dairy Queen but when you wake up some mornings there's a fresh coat of snow on the ground and your hopes are dashed.

I can't help but feeling this is an analogy for my life right now--like I'm on the verge of something good if I can just last through the winter. The problem is, of course, that I just feel like the winter keeps on coming. Like no matter where I turn there's another cold dose of reality.

Tonight I learned that my last boyfriend, the one that I really, truly thought I was going to marry--and that's not a light statement for me--is engaged. No, silly, not to me. Then we'd be having a spring analogy.

Now, Bas, if you're reading this, please stop.

The question isn't one of being happy for him--I am. Marriage and love is a good thing even when it happens outside the boundaries I was hoping for. The world needs more people who are happy and having partners. The question is, how much control do I have over this really? During our courtship I didn't lead a perfect Mormon life. I slipped, as I do from time to time, into some bad old habits. But I kept thinking it was reparable, you know? Like if I could just be a better girl, pray more, fast more, pay tithing more consistently, then he'd finally ask. When he didn't, when we broke up, I thought "To hell with it." and went a little more off the rails. Then I turned 30 and went totally crazy.

And I can't help thinking to myself, "All decisions have consequences."

Does it follow that had I been another version of myself all would have worked out and I'd be posting an "I'm engaged!" posting?

I don't think so. I think there are cycles. I think April is always warmer than March. I think that for every down, there's an up. I truly believe that anything we live through makes us stronger. So, for my part, I'm done trying to worry about how I live my life for other people. I'm living for me now. And if someone should fall into step with me later, I'll be happy. But, for now, it's just me and though I hate the snow by this time in the season, I know it will pass and I'll have another excellent summer.