It's cruel.


It's not spring yet. The days start to clear up, to give you some sunlight, and you know that warm weather is right around the corner. We're so hopeful about it that you can actually see people bundled up, standing outside eating Dairy Queen but when you wake up some mornings there's a fresh coat of snow on the ground and your hopes are dashed.

I can't help but feeling this is an analogy for my life right now--like I'm on the verge of something good if I can just last through the winter. The problem is, of course, that I just feel like the winter keeps on coming. Like no matter where I turn there's another cold dose of reality.

Tonight I learned that my last boyfriend, the one that I really, truly thought I was going to marry--and that's not a light statement for me--is engaged. No, silly, not to me. Then we'd be having a spring analogy.

Now, Bas, if you're reading this, please stop.

The question isn't one of being happy for him--I am. Marriage and love is a good thing even when it happens outside the boundaries I was hoping for. The world needs more people who are happy and having partners. The question is, how much control do I have over this really? During our courtship I didn't lead a perfect Mormon life. I slipped, as I do from time to time, into some bad old habits. But I kept thinking it was reparable, you know? Like if I could just be a better girl, pray more, fast more, pay tithing more consistently, then he'd finally ask. When he didn't, when we broke up, I thought "To hell with it." and went a little more off the rails. Then I turned 30 and went totally crazy.

And I can't help thinking to myself, "All decisions have consequences."

Does it follow that had I been another version of myself all would have worked out and I'd be posting an "I'm engaged!" posting?

I don't think so. I think there are cycles. I think April is always warmer than March. I think that for every down, there's an up. I truly believe that anything we live through makes us stronger. So, for my part, I'm done trying to worry about how I live my life for other people. I'm living for me now. And if someone should fall into step with me later, I'll be happy. But, for now, it's just me and though I hate the snow by this time in the season, I know it will pass and I'll have another excellent summer.