The Adventures of Bond Girl & Iron Bladder

An ode to my BFF's hair.

Dear blond locks,

You're so sad now, laying there in that bag. I remember seeing you blow in the wind as we walked along The Mall. I've seen you twisted around a curling iron during more conversations than I can count. Sometimes, at the end of the night, I would find a straggler or two of you in my car. Yes, I remember these good times. But, all good things must come to an end. And, in the end, brunettes rule. So, darling tresses, I'm sad to see you go but I'm sorry to say that I'm stoked for the new era. Perchance we'll meet again, perchance not. Either way, remember I loved you.

Until the next time,

Steph

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One Small Victory

I have decided by the end of 2009 I will not only eat, but enjoy, cucumbers and red tomatoes. I have already accomplished the former and I am determined to achieve the latter.

Earlier this month, I tried a cucumber Dad and I picked from our garden and guess what?!

I didn't gag. I didn't foam at the mouth. Instead I really liked it.

Who knew this green, watery thing shaped like a hot dog could be so refreshing? I know it's silly but I am really excited about my progress. One small victory in a battle to develop a more mature pallet.

Gone are the days of gawking at platters of cucumber sandwiches, thinking hopelessly, "I wish I liked cucumbers. Those look really good."

No more passing cucumber slices to friends or relatives at dinner or picking through salads to remove tiny cucumber slices, once abhorred.

It's official! I like cucumbers!

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Cash for Clunkers

My Dad, at this very moment, is enjoying the benefits of the Cash for Clunkers program. My entire life, I can not remember my Father ever owning a brand new car. For the past thirty-one years, at least, he has driven used automobiles. That all ends today when he drives a 2009 Sandy Beach Metallic Toyota Camry, similar to the one pictured here, off the lot.

Congratulations Daddy! I can't wait to see you in it.

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One More Reason...

I love Maya Angelou. I discovered this in Barnes and Noble two weeks ago. It made my heart sigh.

Remembrance

Your hands easy
weight, teasing the bees
hived in my hair, your smile at the
slope of my cheek. On the occasion,
you press
above me, glowing, spouting
readiness, mystery rapes
my reason
When you have withdrawn
your self and the magic, when
only the smell of your
love lingers between
my breasts, then, only
then, can I greedily consume
your presence.

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Dear Mom

I'm honestly not sure where to begin. I know it's been some time since my last letter. Under normal circumstances I would express something trite like, "I apologize for the delayed response," but in my situation apologizing for failing to write seems ludicrous, at best, and I am not responding to anything because you are not here to send or say anything to me.

This afternoon I boarded a plane and returned to Biloxi. Until this morning, I had been staying with Dad. It wasn't a long visit, only a little over a week, but not matter how long I decide to stay it's never easy coming home to an empty condo. Phone calls from friends and family help cushion the blow but after all the conversations have concluded the aloneness comes. There's no avoiding the inevitable.

Tonight I decided to treat myself to a steak burrito at El Satillo's, a local Mexican joint that is usually excellent. To feel better about eating alone, I brought along Barbara Kingslover's Animal Dreams. I am trying to finish it so I can read The Time Traveler's Wife before the movie release next Friday. I have been meaning to read it for some time, but life got in the way, I guess.

I'm not sure if you read Animal Dreams, something tells me you did. It's amazing how details like this have escaped me. Even after seventeen months they continue to elude me and it's not limited to your interests or personality traits. When I close my eyes and try to focus on imagining you I can't. I can't see your face; your eyes, nose, mouth, smile. All I can see is your hair even when you're facing me. It's like trying to piece together a jigsaw puzzle in my brain but the pieces are missing; they've been stolen and there's nothing I can do about it.

You always joked that people only liked your hair anyway, but that's not true. People loved you. I loved you and still do. I can't understand why you never believed that. No matter how many times I tried to show you or tell you, it was never enough. And yet, that's all I can see, your hair.

Animal Dreams, as you may remember, is about a woman named Codi, who lost her mother as a child, a baby at fifteen and her only sister and sibling in her thirties. Although her relationship with her sister, Hallie, is touching, I was most affected by Codi's reaction to her sister's kidnapping and subsequent murder.

On her way to Tuscon to retrieve a letter, Codi confides to Loyd that she doesn't believe her sister, kidnapped by Contras, would allow herself to be bound, blindfolded and shot in the head. "Hallie isn't dead. This is a dream," Codi proclaims, as if denying the truth had the power to actually alter reality.

Looking back at the seconds...minutes...hours...days...months following your passing I was tempted to do the same. We live with someone our entire lives...love them...confide in them and they in us, but after they're gone we realize we really didn't know them at all.

And for the past seventeen months this realization has even affected my relationship with God. For years I've tried to learn of Him, follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost, trust in Him. I even thought I had a sound understanding of who God was and how He felt about me...but since losing you, that's changed. I realize now that I really don't know much of anything. God doesn't need to explain Himself to me. He doesn't have to bless me or answer my prayers. He doesn't HAVE to DO ANYTHING. He's already done Everything. I just need to accept and move on. This, I assure you, is not easy. However, I know what you would say to me if you were here, "Sissy, you are going to have to get over this. You can't live like this," but the reality is you aren't here to chide me and nothing I can do, good or bad, can bring you back. NOTHING.

So tonight I'm doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing; wallowing in my own sorrow. Wearing my grief like a designer label or a badge of some sort. It wouldn't be honor, shame perhaps? Shame I didn't do more. Shame that I failed you in so many ways.

Despite this, God continues to introduce people in my life for me to love, knowing I will probably take them for granted, and possibly hurt them too; two things I never want to be guilty of again.

Sometimes I feel like my life is held together by clothes pins. That any moment whatever is left will disappear, leaving me with absolutely nothing; nothing to give and nothing to receive it with. The world's only living heart donor, except mine wasn't given to another, it was broken and nothing can fix it. I will never be the same, ever.

The rain has finally come. I was hoping when I left Kentucky I would leave the rain behind. Guess I was wrong. No matter. I'm used to it. I'm often wrong about a lot of things.

I'm so sorry if I was ever wrong about you.

Love you forever-

Sissy

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In Our Garden...

there are bright, red peppers dangling from their vines...

green tomatoes ripening in the sun...

green beans ready for picking and breaking...

butterflies dancing from flower...

to flower...

lady bugs crawling from one leaf to another...

corn growing big and tall...

and a Scarecrow who watches over it all.

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If...

the weather permits, I plan to spend the next week, minus the time I spend at Grandma's, romping around on the Cat Farm.

Prior to my arrival, Dad stocked up on catfish food. Since my last visit, Dad has "trained" the catfish to swim to the banks of the pond for their food. Since he told me about it, weeks ago, I have been dying to witness it.

In the evenings I often visit my favorite spots, usually on the hilltops, where I can sit and think, plucking and shredding blades of grass as thoughts enter and exit my consciousness. When I was in high school this hilltop was my favorite.

There's a small fish pond surrounded by a stand of trees. An oak tree stands at the head of the pond, it's branches providing the perfect canopy of shade on a sunny afternoon. I like this spot so much we buried Jordan, our Golden Retriever, there . I also like the view it provides of the farmhouse.

During my last stay, I ventured to the opposite side of the farm. Dad prefers the view from this hilltop which is located behind the farmhouse. In May, I discovered two wild turkeys roaming around on this hillside. When I tried to approach them they "flew" or soared out of reach. Afterward, I likened the turkeys to my goals; whenever I get close they seem to move just beyond my reach and yet, I still find myself running, sometimes blindly with arms flailing, to reach them. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.

For now, I'm happy to be back on the Cat Farm with nothing to do but adore the cats, work in the garden, roam the hills and feed the catfish.

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If Only It Could Fly...

Over virgin strawberry daiquiris Amanda invited me to attend her family's cookout in St. Rose, Louisiana in celebration of the Fourth. At first I wasn't sure if I should accept or reject her generous invitation. I worked Friday, one of two souls in the entire office, and I am still trying to catch-up on much needed sleep.

My sleep deprivation began three-weeks ago with Scrapin' the Coast and has continued for various reasons since. Allow me to explain Scrapin' the Coast.

The Gulf Coast is often referred to as "The Redneck Riveria," and Scrapin' the Coast is one of the many reasons behind the name. Imagine, if you can, because believe me it's not pleasant, thousands of young men descending on one strip of highway, parking cars along the street, playing loud music, bass booming, lyrics unintelligible...Next imagine other men dragging the highway, stopping at traffic lights to squeal their tires so spectators, resembling contemporary cavemen, can hollar and blare fog horns.

Now imagine young women, who should find this behaviour repulsive, dressed scantily, swingin' around stripper poles, said cavemen have mounted in their truck beds. Sound like fun to you?

Now imagine, sweet Amber lying in her princess bed trying to sleep. What kind of thoughts do you think were running through sweet Amber's head? If you were thinking unkind, naughty thoughts involving rocket launchers and bull horns you would be correct.

This event had such an impression on me, I currently equate it with sleep deprivation, which is surprisingly a popular topic of conversation.

Imagine my surprise when Amanda's family members bragged about her cousin Adam's fortune of placing 1st at Scrapin' the Coast. Imagine the difficulty Amber experienced trying to express her congratulations to Adam who also owns a truck with E.T. painted on the hood and the truck bed.

Imagine how difficult it was for Amber to suppress her laughter and colorful commentary regarding "Grandpaw's Heartbeat E.T. II" displayed on the tail-gate of the truck.

If there's an E.T. II that implies there's an E.T. I, right? How can this be? How is it possible there are two E.T. trucks on this planet? Maybe the other exists on a planet far outside earth's orbit? I don't know.

If this is "Grandpaw's Heartbeat" does that mean E.T. I is "Grandmaw's?" Adam is not the original owner of E.T. II. Did the previous owner relinquish their ownership because something happened to Grandpaw? I don't know if these questions will ever be answered.

After "admiring" the truck's impressive paint job, the only thing I could manage to offer in all seriousness was, "if only it could fly."

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Thirty-One is Tons of Fun!

Wednesday I turned thirty-one. Hooray! I walked into work and found this surprise waiting for me on my desk. It's a yellow cake with chocolate-chip frosting. The Diamondhead symbol is the red design in the top-left corner.

Diamondhead is a planned community that began in the Eighties attracting NASA scientists working at Stennis Space Center. It's located in Hancock County, Mississippi and was the first area Amanda, Hugh and I surveyed.

Amanda and I LOVE DIAMONDHEAD; from the Polynesian-inspired architecture to the cool font on the water tower to the Playboy bunny stained glass window. Diamondhead is truly amazing!

In addition to my beautiful cake, Lisa, decorated my cubicle with streamers, confetti and tinsel. It was beautiful! I included this photo so my friends can see what my office area looks like. I am not permitted to bring visitors into the office and Stephanie has mentioned she would like to see where I work. Not impressive but I like it!
I asked Amanda to take a photo with the cake because everyone should know the genius behind this masterpiece. Thanks Amanda!

The workday kept getting better with lunch at Fergenes Pizza and flowers from Stephanie and Dad.

I will post more photos later. Just wanted to say thanks to all my friends and family for making my thirty-first birthday so wonderful!

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A Man I Love and Will Miss Dearly...

Tonight my Daddy called to tell me that my Uncle Flavous had passed away. My great-Aunt June, who is mentioned below, called with the news while my Dad was visiting my Grandma Kidd. I had hoped I would be able to visit Flavous one more time before he left us.

I HATE death. I HATE it so much! Why is everyone in my family, especially on my Mother's side, dying? The only people I have left who were connected to my Mother, by blood, are departing this life and there is absolutely nothing I can do about. Do you know how frustrating that is? Do you know how terrifying that is? Do you know how angry, sad and helpless that make me feel? I just wish I had more time but it seems like there is never enough. I wish my Mom would have taken us to more family reunions while we were kids. I wish we had lived closer to family and spent more time with our loved ones. I HATE that I never had/took the opportunity to tell Flavous how much I loved him and how grateful I am for his example of personal sacrifice, love of family and love of country. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his family or his country and everyone who knew Flavous understood that.

Flavous took our entire family to see Dionne Warwick in concert when I was five. He organized and executed every family reunion we had and he bought me Pammy Panda, which I still have and love. We often stayed with Flavous during family reunions and attended Labor Day parades where he was often recognized as a pillar of the community.

I am so sorry I did not know and could not be there to pay my respects to a man I truly honored. Wherever his soul resides I hope he is surrounded by loved ones who preceded him in death, my Mom especially, and his body has been restored to a perfect state.

His obituary from Northwest Tennessee Today

"Flavous P. “Paul” Elliott, 72, of Paducah, Ky., died June 24, 2009, (because everything significant in my life occurs on the 4th and 24th of the month) at Lourdes Hospital in Paducah.

His sister-in-law is June Elliott of South Fulton, TN. Graveside services will be 1 p.m. Saturday at Clark Cemetery (our family cemetery and where we will eventually inter my Mom) near Fulton, TN. Friends may call at Hornbeak Funeral Home in Fulton from 11 a.m. until time to go to the cemetery.

He was born February 20, 1937, in Hickman County, KY, son of the late Marvin H. and Alta Mae (Clark) Elliott. He was a decorated U.S. Army veteran of the Korean War and Vietnam Conflict and was a Disabled American Veterans service officer for many years. He was a member of American Legion Post 31 and Veterans of Foreign Wars and of Lone Oak (KY) First Baptist Church.

Survivors also include his daughter and son-in-law, Julie and Tony Peck of Paducah; two grandchildren, Tiffany Peck and Lezley Peck (who, sadly, I have never met), both of Paducah; and his sister, Doris Owens of Stone Mountain, GA.He was also preceded in death by four brothers, M.G. Elliott, Freeman Elliott, Reed Elliott (my Grandpa) and Norman Elliott."

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Cat Farm-Cat Farm! Life on the Cat Farm!

Unless you are a cat lover, life on the Cat Farm may not seem all that appealing, but, let me assure you, with Mary, Zu, Bart and Arnie around, there is never a dull moment.

The girls are great company. They are avid listeners and love to help.

A few days ago, Zu heard Dad mention he forgot to buy fertilizer for the garden. So what did she do? She strolled right over and personally fertilized the tomato plant. Unfortunately, she didn't get the response, I'm sure she was looking for, from Dad. I tried to persuade Dad Zu was just trying to help but when she pissed on the seed packets two days later, I believe Dad felt vindicated. That Zu!

Bart and Arnie are like feline Wonders of the World. I have never seen two cats more devoted to one another. They consistently weave their bodies around each other in this beautiful, fluid motion. Their behavior reminds me of Paolo and Francesca in Dante's Divine Comedy. Instead of lovers, Bart and Arnie are sisters, trapped in this completely dependent relationship that's totally reciprocal.

Dad thinks their behavior is a defense mechanism against predators like coyotes or dogs but I'm not certain I buy that. The coyotes have migrated to another area, for now, and there aren't really any dogs around either. I prefer to believe they are just special cats and we are lucky to have them with us. Dad does not appreciate cats the way I do and believes Bart and Arnie would be better off living elsewhere. If I get my way, Bart and Arnie will be a permanent fixture on the Cat Farm.

Life on the Cat Farm is not all work and no play. Zu and Mary love to join me for a nice afternoon on the deck where we stretch out and lie in the sun.

Zu loves to play hide and seek. She does this by sneaking under my beach towel whenever I'm not around. When I return and see a lump under my towel I call out, "Where's Zu?" Zu always waits a few seconds before peaking her head out from under the towel. I am going to miss that.

Mary Bear is still the model cat; skinny and elegant. She quietly struts around the place imposing her will subtly on anyone in her path. This month Mary and ZuZu celebrated their tenth (in human years) birthday. I can't believe they have been with us a decade. It seems like yesterday we were cuddling them in our hands, waiting for them to open their eyes. I hope they are with us for ten more. The Cat Farm would not be the same without them.

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Aaah, family.

I love Britain's Got Talent. My favorite act of the year? Stavros Flatly. Not familiar? Well, feel free to avail yourself.

Here is there initial performance:

And the semi-final one to follow!

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My New Snack Obsession

I have Rae Rae to thank for my love of these delightful gummy snacks. She purchased some during our road trip to The Grand Teton National Park and I have been enjoying their fruity flavors ever since. If you are searching for a yummy, low-calorie snack, reach for these. You won't regret it.

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Deep Thoughts

There is a hill on my Dad's farm I have designated as my thinking place. Every evening around 7pm I hike "my" hill. I sit and ponder the important questions of life, i.e. what does my life mean? Where am I going? What's my purpose? Am I doing what I was intended to do?

I don't think I have ever received a single answer to these questions but yesterday I did have an epiphany regarding male names I find acceptable for a future romantic partner.

I have already discussed this with Stephanie, however, I am curious to know if others have experienced similar thoughts or if I have totally lost my mind.

MY LIST OF ACCEPTABLE MALE NAMES...

Andrew-Every Andrew, Andy or Drew I have met or dated has been wonderful.

Sam-Sleepless in Seattle, need I say more?

Elliott-Every Elliott I know is intelligent and successful. It was also my Mother's maiden name.

Dan- I know a lot of good men named Dan. Also, Daniel Pearl is one of my heroes.

David- Never dated a David but I love David in the Old Testament because of his loyalty and humility.

Paul-I went out with a Paul at BYU. Not only was he handsome but very well-mannered

George-There are so many amazing men named George. I can't remember every meeting a George I didn't like.

Levi-I love Jewish men and this is one of the hottest Jewish names ever!

Palmer-I love Jimmy Palmer on NCIS. I know it's silly but I love it when they refer to him as Palmer instead of his first name, Jimmy.

Greene- Family name

Grey-Images of an academic in tweed, a bowtie and glasses come to mind. Sexy!

Graham-English bloke with scruffy hair, five o'clock shadow and a JCrew wardrobe. What more could a girl ask for?

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5.13.2009

Ms. Kenley Faith Davis entered the world and became the newest addition to the Davis family. Her mother, Brittany Webb Davis, was my favorite cousin on my Mom's side of the family. I always stayed with her family during our family reunions.

Kenley's older sister, Riley Grace, is cradling her in the photo below. It's obvious Riley is going to be a great big sis to little Kenley.

Congratulations to the Davis family and to Brittany, especially. I am so proud of you!

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A Few Things I Miss in Mississippi

Besides my condo, my bike, ballet, Whataburger (the store on Highway 49 is the best), the beach, my Primary kiddies, the few friends that I have there, the survey, and my laptop, here are a few photos of some other things I miss tonight...

My Barbie kite:

Amanda surprised me with the Barbie kite after a horrible workday. It was the perfect gift at the time for reasons I will not bother discussing. I have flown Barbie at least twice since March and hope we have many more days at the beach before the year ends.

Catching frogs:

I love catching frogs. I can't explain it. I just know I love it! They are so soft and harmless. I like to feel their little bodies expand and contract as their lungs fill with and release air. I also enjoy the way Jennifer reacts each time I catch one. The idea that a frog could rip someone's face off amuses me and I miss hearing her scream each time I approach her with one.

Jennifer:
Although she is only nine years my senior, Jennifer has become like a mother or an older sister, to me. Every evening when I ride my bike she faithfully waits and watches me from the parking lot until I return to the complex. She often walked me to my door and would stay for late night chats. I would give her candy and water and, in return, she would leave little flowers on my car or notes under my door.
She was always there in the morning waiting to send me off to work. Stephanie and Joy may remember Jennifer. She is wonderful to all my guests but is very protective of me when it comes to my male guests, not that I have very many.

For example, Jennifer warned Ben that he came over too late. Needless to say, that was the last time he watched movies at my apartment-EVER. I don't mind though. I'm just glad that she cares.
She is a great friend who makes living at The Ocean Club a little less lonely. I can't wait to see her again.

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Finally!!!

So! In order to post these I had to use a crappy file conversion program. Please don't judge on the quality of the photos!

Today Amber, Rae and I went on an adventure to Grand Teton National Park. And for the first time in my WHOLE OUTDOOR LIFE I saw a moose! Three, actually. They're so tall! I love them. Also, because they're moody--just like me. I think I've discovered my totem animal.

And we saw a grizzly. Right off the road! Amber hiked a big snow bank in flip-flops to get some shots. We were told she was 4-years-old! So cute! Yahoo for national parks!

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Dear Mom

Tonight is my last night in Biloxi. It's difficult, sometimes, to believe I have been here for fifty weeks. When I accepted the assignment last April, I promised Rhonda and myself, that I wouldn't stay longer than 90-days. Looking back I can't believe what a snot I was. Big City Girl does Mississippi and likes it. I think you would like it too. My condo is incredible, the sunsets are gorgeous and the weather is fantastic.

I decided to demobilize about a month ago. Initially, I was going to stay in Jackson and commute but decided against it. The more I thought about it, the better I felt about taking a break. I am so happy I made that decision.

I have spent the past two weeks saying my good-byes. Last night I put my ballet shoes on for the last time. Classes are finished for the year and will not begin again until August. Who knows where I will be by that time? Wherever I am, I hope to be in a studio resuming my classes. I love it. I always have.

Tonight I rode my bike around the cemetery one last time. I will miss the time I spend there. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone in your grief; that others are suffering like you are because they lost someone they loved too.

Tomorrow I will turn in my keys and rental car. From Gulfport I will fly to Atlanta and then on to Salt Lake City. Stephanie is driving down from Missoula, she is a saint, and will pick me up from the airport. She reserved us a room at the Marriott in downtown SLC because she wants our first two days there to be seamless.

On Friday, what should have been your 53rd birthday, Steph and I will go to the temple in the morning so I can participate in an ordinance on your behalf. Once complete, we will meet Desiree for lunch. Around 3pm Baby Rae, Kelly and Sarina will join us for another ordinance, which I will also perform on your behalf.

Last year, Shawna and Marlise met me in Savannah for your birthday. Since your passing I have wanted to do your temple work on your birthday. You always made our birthdays so special and I want to do the same for you. I can't think of a greater, more meaningful gift I could offer you. I know, I don't hope, I KNOW, because I know you, that you will accept it and be grateful for it. You have waited so long and I am so excited about this opportunity AND to think it almost didn't happen.

I was so worried but my dear Bishop, his name is George and his wife's name is Mary, you would absolutely love him, took care of everything. I love him so much. I would not be going to Salt Lake tomorrow if it wasn't for him. I honestly believe he is one of the reasons I am in Mississippi. He has lost so many loved ones and can understand me in ways very few people can. I will bless his name for the rest of my life.

While I was packing I discovered a piece of paper with a list of questions I jotted down a few months ago. It reads:

Why did Mom have to leave?

Does God really know me?

Does He really want what's best for me?

Does she, meaning you, miss me?

Although I don't know all the answers to these questions I believe God does know the desires of my heart. I have prayed, since the day I lost you, I would have this opportunity and it would happen on your birthday. Despite everything, God has provided a way and, honestly, I still can't believe it. I have not felt this much hope and true happiness in a long time. My only wish is that you could be there by my side. That when the work was complete I could throw my arms around you and we would both squeal and jump up and down like we used to do when we were happy or excited. Instead I will try to imagine you and Nancy doing what we would do if we were together; if I were with you.

Like my trip to Savannah, this trip, for me, will be about you. Stephanie, Sarina and I are driving up to Jackson Hole Saturday morning so we can see the Teton mountains; your favorite. I can't believe all the years I lived in Utah I never made it to Jackson Hole. Since you and Dad spent so much time there I have been curious to see it. I also wouldn't mind meeting someone while I'm there; a cowboy who looks amazing in a pair of Wranglers would be nice. I don't know how much pull you have up there but I've been REALLY good for a year and living like a nun is getting old. Not asking for much just a little, harmless, fun.

I love you Mom. I told Dad on Sunday there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you or him. I miss you so much it hurts; hurts like hell, but I know this separation is temporary. That one day I will see you again and you will still be my Mother and I will be your daughter. I wouldn't want it any other way. Until then...

I love you forever-

Sissy

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1700...

the approximate number of structures I surveyed in fifty-weeks. Pretty impressive for the first year of one's profession.

I'm really going to miss it. :(

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My parents are getting old.

There's plenty of hard evidence but none more so than how excited they get about birds at their feeders! I was in DC for three weeks caring for my Mom after surgery. I did not do one single, solitary tourist thing while I was there. I didn't set foot on The Mall. I didn't see a single museum. But I did buy a tripod and take pictures of birds. And some flowers. And a couple of cute kids. And now I'm just wondering what that says about me.

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