I realize that I just wrote but I am alone and tonight marks the one month anniversary of your passing. I hate saying death. It sounds so final. Passing feels better to my heart. People use the word passing in positive ways all the time. "I passed my classes," or "I am going to pass that car." In Joshua's case it would be, "I passed gas." Sorry. I couldn't resist.

It's easier for me to accept the idea that you have passed and advanced to a higher level of existence where you experience greater happiness and peace than you did here. Because in my heart and mind you didn't die. No one really dies, if you think about it, they just exist in a different state. Life is eternal and you will always be even if you aren't here with me.

I have been sitting on my living room floor thinking about the things I was doing exactly one month ago tonight. It seems like an eternity since that night and yet it was only thirty days ago. If only, I could rewind one month. If only, we had spoken that night. If only, if only, if only... I could go crazy thinking "if only."

My heart breaks thinking that the last time I saw you was at Joshie's wedding, when we took the above photo, together. Initially I wasn't sure if I liked this picture. I always said our lipstick was too bright but now I love it. I love it because we both look so happy and that was after we had a crappy day rear-ending the Krispy Kreme delivery truck. That driver was such a moron. Men.

My plan is to have a larger version framed so I can hang it in my home. Sister Boxer said after her mother died she put her photos around her home because it was comforting. It made it seem that her mother was still a part of her life. I think I will do the same. I look at your photos everyday but they aren't framed.

I also decided, and have since discussed it with Lauren and Harry, that we are taking a family photo in the cowboy shirts you got us for Christmas. Since you passed Dad has been wearing his frequently. He even had it up at Grandma's. I am afraid he is going to wear it so often it won't look as nice for the photo. Lauren may wear your cowgirl shirt, that matched mine, because she loves it so much. I love mine too. I can't wait to visit Steph in Montana so I can wear it like a real cowgirl. If only I was skinny enough to pour myself into a pair of Wranglers. That would be so hot! Then I could date a cowboy or a smoke jumper. Not really.

You always accused me of being boy crazy but for the past month I have been anything but. It's pretty pathetic actually. For instance, the other night, Rhonda, Larry and I were at an Italian restaurant having dinner. All of the wait staff were male; dark hair, olive-skinned men. I didn't really notice any of them until Rhonda started teasing me about this young waiter who kept looking at me. She did and said the same things I used to say to you and I responded exactly like you used to.

Anyway, as we were leaving I noticed this kid was looking at me so intently it made me blush. You know the phrase, "he was undressing me with his eyes." Well, that is exactly what this kid was doing. It was so intense that I couldn't even look at him, which is unusual for me. Usually I welcome looks like that from handsome men. Not now, though. Now I don't really care about anything.

It didn't stop with the look though. He even followed us out to the car. Rhonda waved at him while I hid in the back seat. You would love Rhonda, Mom. She has totally taken care of me since all this happened. She was with me when I got Dad's call. I tell her all the time that she reminds me of Stephanie. They are both so caring and so giving. Rhonda loves helping other people just like Stephanie and like Stephanie, people naturally gravitate toward her.

They say death comes in three's. We have already experienced three deaths in three weeks but I don't think its over, Mom. Dad called today and said Grandma had to be rushed to the hospital twice, two days in a row, for anxiety attacks. I know its selfish but I don't want Grandma to go yet. I am so tired of people dying. I just want her to stay with us a little longer, if possible.

Speaking of three's. I have pulled three solid white hairs from my head since the beginning of February. Last year I only pulled seven for the entire year. It's only February and I have already pulled three! That's insane! I have always said I wanted white hair but not at twenty-nine! I suppose it really doesn't matter though. So many things I cared about before seem trivial now. All I want to do is keep it real and I want to be around people who do the same.

I love you Mom! I am so sorry I didn't reach you this time last month. I tried. I called but you weren't there. If only...if only

Your Sissy Forever