News...
I have been reminded, can mean many things. It can be delivered and received in various ways too. I love news! When I returned from my mission I did not feel comfortable watching anything on television but the news.
One of the first questions my friends or family members, often ask during our conversations is "So, Amber, what's new?" or "Got any news to share?" My answer is usually the same, "Not really," or "Nothing new here," to be followed by a return of the initial question "What's new with you?"
This weekend it seems everyone has news to share. A friend called Friday night to update me about the good news in her life. I always enjoy talking to this friend and I was happy to hear things were going well for her.
Saturday I treated the Elders to dinner. Over dinner one of the Elders shared the news that he was in love with a girl and wanted to marry her after he completed his mission in December. After listening to the story of how he met and barely knew the object of his desire, I received the news with frustration. How could men be so stupid? How can anyone truly love someone they do not really know?
This morning during Sacrament meeting Ben turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you." Trying to be the model of support I responded, "What is it you would like to tell me?"
Although I suspected he was dating someone, perhaps a local he met at the gym or some club, instead he shared, "I think I'm in love." Needless to say, I was shocked. In my stupor all I could think to say was, "Oh?!"
Ben, who I previously considered a rational being, relates to me that he thinks he's in love with a girl, I refer to her as a girl because she is not old enough to be anything other than just that, saw him one-year ago in the testing center at BYU. (Do I hear groans? I think I hear groaning but hold on, it gets better.) This girl notices his name written on his Blue Book and decides, one year later, to look him up on Facebook because she just can't get him out of her mind. In typical BYU fashion, this girl has a missionary who returns in May and is also named Ben.
I am not sure what reaction Ben was expecting from me as he related this story but I am afraid I failed to deliver the one he desired. When he asked for my opinion all I could say was, "I think it sounds disturbing," and to me it does. How could he be so nonchalant about something so serious? How could he throw around a concept, like love, ascribing it to an individual he has never even met?
The same thing happened to me last year the day after Valentine's Day. I went to lunch with a man who I had been spending time with and I cared about. Over lunch he told me he could no longer see me because he felt prompted to pursue a woman, with five children, who attended his parents' ward in Utah who he'd met before but whose name he did not know.
Since that incident I have met several men who have pursued and even married women they barely knew. Which leads me to another conversation I had today with a former friend.
Tom, who Joy and Kelli had the pleasure of meeting, was someone I hung out with once or twice. We also sat together in church. We were not dating but to be honest, I had hoped we would eventually. He was 34 at the time and I thought it was fortunate we were close in age and had a few things, besides our religious beliefs, in common. Everything, from my perspective, was going well. I evacuated for Gustav last August (I was away for five days, I think). By the time I returned Tom had met and decided to marry a nineteen-year old Seabee who had just transferred to Biloxi from North Carolina. Call me blind or clueless but I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. How could someone meet, court and marry someone within the space of a few weeks? My friend called to tell me, "the happy news," Tom's wife is pregnant. Am I happy for them? Absolutely. I want everyone I care about to be happy, even if their decided route to happiness means I am unhappy for a little while.
I know there's a reason why I have been single this long; why I'm unable to meet someone that approaches love and relationships the way I do. However, I do not understand why I am meeting so many men, during a time in my life when I am not feeling very patient, who are complete idiots when it comes to relationships. I do not wish to sound critical, and please forgive me if I do, but HELLS BELLS, is this really how marriage happens? A man just sees you and decides on the spot you are or are not "the one?!!!" Please tell me the process of meeting and falling in love, for a man, involves more logic than this. Please, tell me the man I will eventually marry, will not decide in one glance, without investing the time it will require to really know me, that I am "the one." I do not believe I could ever devote my life to someone if that is what a man's love is based upon.
Normally, the decisions and actions of others, especially casual acquaintances, do not matter so much to me, but thinking about this tonight, I can not help but wonder and in doing so, feeling a little discouraged about the possibility of having a relationship with a man that is... real and based on something more than an initial feeling or attraction.
Does anyone have any thoughts or advice to offer?
One of the first questions my friends or family members, often ask during our conversations is "So, Amber, what's new?" or "Got any news to share?" My answer is usually the same, "Not really," or "Nothing new here," to be followed by a return of the initial question "What's new with you?"
This weekend it seems everyone has news to share. A friend called Friday night to update me about the good news in her life. I always enjoy talking to this friend and I was happy to hear things were going well for her.
Saturday I treated the Elders to dinner. Over dinner one of the Elders shared the news that he was in love with a girl and wanted to marry her after he completed his mission in December. After listening to the story of how he met and barely knew the object of his desire, I received the news with frustration. How could men be so stupid? How can anyone truly love someone they do not really know?
This morning during Sacrament meeting Ben turned to me and said, "I have something to tell you." Trying to be the model of support I responded, "What is it you would like to tell me?"
Although I suspected he was dating someone, perhaps a local he met at the gym or some club, instead he shared, "I think I'm in love." Needless to say, I was shocked. In my stupor all I could think to say was, "Oh?!"
Ben, who I previously considered a rational being, relates to me that he thinks he's in love with a girl, I refer to her as a girl because she is not old enough to be anything other than just that, saw him one-year ago in the testing center at BYU. (Do I hear groans? I think I hear groaning but hold on, it gets better.) This girl notices his name written on his Blue Book and decides, one year later, to look him up on Facebook because she just can't get him out of her mind. In typical BYU fashion, this girl has a missionary who returns in May and is also named Ben.
I am not sure what reaction Ben was expecting from me as he related this story but I am afraid I failed to deliver the one he desired. When he asked for my opinion all I could say was, "I think it sounds disturbing," and to me it does. How could he be so nonchalant about something so serious? How could he throw around a concept, like love, ascribing it to an individual he has never even met?
The same thing happened to me last year the day after Valentine's Day. I went to lunch with a man who I had been spending time with and I cared about. Over lunch he told me he could no longer see me because he felt prompted to pursue a woman, with five children, who attended his parents' ward in Utah who he'd met before but whose name he did not know.
Since that incident I have met several men who have pursued and even married women they barely knew. Which leads me to another conversation I had today with a former friend.
Tom, who Joy and Kelli had the pleasure of meeting, was someone I hung out with once or twice. We also sat together in church. We were not dating but to be honest, I had hoped we would eventually. He was 34 at the time and I thought it was fortunate we were close in age and had a few things, besides our religious beliefs, in common. Everything, from my perspective, was going well. I evacuated for Gustav last August (I was away for five days, I think). By the time I returned Tom had met and decided to marry a nineteen-year old Seabee who had just transferred to Biloxi from North Carolina. Call me blind or clueless but I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. How could someone meet, court and marry someone within the space of a few weeks? My friend called to tell me, "the happy news," Tom's wife is pregnant. Am I happy for them? Absolutely. I want everyone I care about to be happy, even if their decided route to happiness means I am unhappy for a little while.
I know there's a reason why I have been single this long; why I'm unable to meet someone that approaches love and relationships the way I do. However, I do not understand why I am meeting so many men, during a time in my life when I am not feeling very patient, who are complete idiots when it comes to relationships. I do not wish to sound critical, and please forgive me if I do, but HELLS BELLS, is this really how marriage happens? A man just sees you and decides on the spot you are or are not "the one?!!!" Please tell me the process of meeting and falling in love, for a man, involves more logic than this. Please, tell me the man I will eventually marry, will not decide in one glance, without investing the time it will require to really know me, that I am "the one." I do not believe I could ever devote my life to someone if that is what a man's love is based upon.
Normally, the decisions and actions of others, especially casual acquaintances, do not matter so much to me, but thinking about this tonight, I can not help but wonder and in doing so, feeling a little discouraged about the possibility of having a relationship with a man that is... real and based on something more than an initial feeling or attraction.
Does anyone have any thoughts or advice to offer?
5 comments:
Hey Amber- not sure if you remember me, but... ? Anyway, the title of your latest entry intrigued me and so I read. And I decided to reply. I know every relationship, how they meet, how they decide to marry is different. I swore I would never be one of those people who would get engaged, and then marry someone I hadn't known for a while. Because I agree, it's important to know the person you marry! And after dating the few guys I did, and being freaked out by them, I swore I would never do it.
But then I met my husband (he invited me and a friend to go up to the temple with him for "Stake temple day" over the phone. I had never met him before that). When I talked to him on the phone that first time, I felt like I was talking to a long-lost friend. A close friend. The first time I really met him, it was a strange feeling. All I could think was "This could be really interesting..."
It was really strange.
While it went unspoken, both of us "knew (s)he's the one!" when we were talking in the Celestial Room, waiting for our friend. We never said anything about it until after we got engaged. I truly didn't know much about him at the time-- three hours in the car was all. But what I did know about him was enough to really capture my interest- he LOVED the temple, he loved the gospel, he loved his mother, he was a hard worker (school full time, working full time, and holding an internship). No, we weren't engaged the next week, but it was only 9 weeks, and then 5 1/2 months later we were married. We've been married almost 4 years now. My room-mate at the time this happened really resented me for this, and to be honest, I might have felt the same way had the roles been reversed. But it was right. We both prayed about it, we took as much time as we could to get to know each other while we were dating and engaged, and it just felt right. It was right. it is right. And it was MUCH faster than I had ever imagined it happening.
But, I guess what I am saying is that sometimes, even when you're mind and heart are set firmly that you will make sure to "take the time" to get to know someone, as mine was (honestly!) if you're doing what's right (and he is) and you're both listening to the spirit, and it's right, it will happen. And soemtimes it happens really quickly. Much quicker than you ever expected. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. There is also nothing wrong with taking your time. My sister dated her hubby for 5(!) years before marrying him!
Heavenly Father loves you, and when the time, the place, and the people are ready, then you'll meet him. I promise. He made me move 2000 miles away for a dead-end job because He knew that my husband would never come MY way... But I was listening, and willing. And as you listen, you'll be led, and so will he. It's just not our time table. It's Heavenly Fathers.
Good luck.
And here's to some good news someday for you!
Hey babe. :) You know my stance--guys are different creatures and decisive ones. Let's take the purchase of a car for instance--if I a girl says "I want to get a new car." she's opening the floor for discussion. When a guy says, "I want to get a new car." he has the make and model pretty firmly in mind and is just sharing the decision with you.
We're just different creatures! I know that whatever comes next, we're going to have more awesome adventures--with or without spouses. :)
Wow. I agree with you, Amber. Some people jump right into things. Falling in love flippantly is not a thing you want to do. It didn't happen to me, but I know people that fell in love quickly. When it's too quick, I believe, you're in danger of experiencing something that's only temporarily masked as love. I have a friend who has a "four seasons and a road trip" minimum before she'll marry someone. She's on her third season currently and is staying true to her word. Each situation is different for each couple (variety is the spice of life). But who you decided to fall in love with is a VERY serious decision taken too lightly today. I would not advise that in any situation.
I am so grateful for the years of experience I gained before getting married. I wouldn't do it any other way and I know waiting and experiencing the things I did made me a better person and prepared me to marry Chuck. Just enjoy the road, do the Lords will and have faith. That's my only advice. Love you! You're a beautiful person! I miss you. We should chat. :)
I've decided that it's just a miracle that anybody ever meets anybody they could possibly marry. You can look at that as either an optimistic statement or a pessimistic statement. Up to you.
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