Although my younger brother and only sibling, Joshua, sent me an invitation to join MySpace almost a year ago, it was only through my coworkers' cajoling I joined. Occasionally I visit my brother's profile to see if he's posted anything new. He rarely calls me, leaving the responsibility of communication to me. Finding time to call Joshie is something I need to work on but reading his blogs and other information on MySpace helps me feel a little better about the distance between us.
In his self-description (which I read today for the first time) my brother mentioned he had a wonderful girlfriend, great friends, and awesome parents but there was no mention of me, his sister. This is not the first time its happened and perhaps I'm taking it too personally but it stings a little.
The first time this happened, I was attending BYU. My father moved to Atlanta my sophmore year of college taking my brother with him. Coming home the summer before my junior year, Josh and I went to church at my family's new ward. I'll never forget how hurt I felt when Josh introduced me to all his friends and each one said with obvious surprise, "Josh, I didn't know you had a sister."
I mentioned this to my dad tonight on the phone. Josh, takes after my mom in many ways. My mother has never been close to her family and will allow years to pass before making an attempt to call her siblings. My father and I have never understood this about her. Family is something you don't take for granted, ever. You don't hold grudges and you don't ignore calls. 'Nough said. Josh, my father feels, is jealous because I have done a lot of things he would like to do also, i.e. traveling, living out west, etc. I have never understood this about my brother. Josh is so talented. In addition to being a natural leader and super intelligent, he's a person who excells in areas he chooses to excel in. I am just the opposite. I have always had to struggle and work extra hard just to get by. I have always been average; average height, average weight, average student, average missionary, average looks, etc. Not horrible but not stellar.
Josh had opportunities to do everything I have done. My dad offered to send him abroad, Josh decided to invest in amps and keyboards. Josh had the opportunity to go to BYU but decided to remain in GA and take advantage of the Hope Scholarship (which pays tuition at state schools).
Now Josh is applying to law schools. Since taking the LSAT and submitting his applications, he's been inundated with offers from all over the US. Did this happen to whalaa? Heck no!
I'm still trying to determine how I got into George Washington and consider every semester I endure a miracle. Never short on helpings of humble pie, I am reminded every time I attend class that I am the average student.
So, what is there for Josh to be jealous of? Or maybe its not jealousy that drives the exclusion. Perhaps he's ashamed of me? If so, why?
Growing up my parents would always argue that Josh was more like them. No one ever proudly said, "No, I think Amber is more like me." Josh was always the more attractive, athletic, popular kid who consistently had a love interest. He's never had a sucky V-Day and he's never had to endure the pity looks extended family members give you when you respond, "No, I'm almost 28 and still not dating anyone," to their queries.
Again, just the opposite. Although I was popular throughout grade school, middle school and high school, I was never known for my looks or athletic abilities. I was always Ms. Congeniality or Ms. Popularity. I have never had a lengthy romantic relationship with anyone and although I enjoy sports, I have never been good at them.
My intention is not to point fingers or wallow in my average status. I guess this is just a release mechanism, a balm for the heart and mind. I don't know if Josh's feelings will ever change but I will remain the proud, elder sister who is, at least to Joshua's friends, anonymous.