is a question I have been pondering this week. I often hear people say, "if only I knew when or where or how much longer I have to wait for a certain something," the waiting would be easier. Uncertainty has never been something I courted but nevertheless is a companion I have been promised will accompany me throughout life. Uncertainty can be exciting, yielding pleasant surprises that leave us with warm memories we cherish for a lifetime. More often than not, uncertainty bears unwelcome incidents that leave us wounded and afraid.

In March of 2007, Desiree and I traveled to Atlanta to crash her friend's wedding. The six hour drive to Atlanta was the perfect opportunity to catch-up. During our conversation Desi mentioned her roommate's mother had given her a love reading. I thought it was exciting and asked Des if her roommate's mother would be willing to give me one as well. Desiree called her roommate who subsequently connected me to her mother.

This woman had never met me. She had not seen a photo of me either. She had no idea how tall I was or how old I was yet she proceeded to give me a love reading that I have often thought about since.

She said I would meet the man I was going to marry within the next two years. We would meet at an event where we would be dressed-up; she explained she saw a hayride or a costume party. We concluded from this it may be around Halloween. She said he would be medium height around 5'10" but would not exceed 6'. He would have dark blonde or light curly brown hair. He would have a L in his name or as an initial. I would have dated his cousin or roommate or close friend. Once we meet we will have a long courtship that will result in marriage.

I remember thinking, "right." It may happen for Desiree but things like this rarely work out for me. Nevertheless, the thought of meeting someone on Halloween was exciting and I have been anticipating the holiday with more enthusiasm than I normally would.

Last Halloween I was with Corey. Needless to say I did not meet anyone nor did I care to. When I met Corey who had a L initial and was of average height I thought, despite the hair, he could be pretty close to "the one." He was brillant, kind, funny, and successful. We could hang out for hours doing absolutely nothing and still have a good time. However as time progressed, it was clear Corey was not "the one" and it was time to move on. I care for and miss him dearly. I wonder how he is and hope he is happy; even if it means he is with someone else.

This Halloween I am absolutely single. I haven't been on a date, let alone been in a relationship, for five months and I'm surprisingly OK with that. Since my Mother passed away I haven't been the same. I have so much to work through emotionally and spiritually that I'm not really ready for something serious. I would appreciate a good guy friend I can hang out with but to be completely "real" if "Mr. Right" appeared this Halloween I wouldn't complain.

But if he does... is it better that I anticipated meeting him before or is it better not to know? To be completely caught of guard. If I really do meet someone this Halloween am I ready? Am I willing to forfeit my life as a single woman? I don't know. And it's true... when you know something I think it compromises the magic that not knowing brings.

Tonight I am going to a masquerade with Amanda. Last month I decided I was going to celebrate this holiday come what may. If I meet someone, Great! If not, nothing lost. I rented a costume from Josette's, I got a pedicure this morning from TNT Nails and my hair done at Her Majesty's by a lady that's been doing hair for fifty years. I feel good and I think I look pretty good but do I really want to meet a man when I look better than usual? Wouldn't it be better to meet a man when I look horrible? Questions I believe every female has entertained at least once in her life. We all want to meet "the one" in some unique, clever way. We all want a story we can boast and impress friends and family with for years to come. We all want to feel that spark and to immediately know our waiting is over but how often does that really happen?

And although things like this never happen to me would it be so bad if it did? For once? If it really was my turn? If something beautiful resulted from this horribly painful year? If I could end this year with someone I loved and begin the new year with him too or will I appreciate the circumstance more if I meet him after I have abandoned all hope? Bringing me back to my initial question...tis better to know or not to know? What do you think?

Since 300, like the rest of all woman-kind, I've been addicted to one Mr. G. Butler. This is the trailer I promised Boo I'd post. Mmmmm.

STLRamsGirl95: Moments you're happy you got dressed for the day: a ladder hits the space below your window followed a fraction of a second later by a male face.
Tara: a cute one?

STLRamsGirl95: No.
STLRamsGirl95: He's our building handyman, Tom. He's like 459 years old
STLRamsGirl95: But a nice guy.

Tara: lol
Tara: damn
Tara: cause THAT would make for a good story

STLRamsGirl95: You're not kidding
STLRamsGirl95: And, let's face it, instant love on his part
STLRamsGirl95: lol
STLRamsGirl95: ;)

Tara: of course

Today I managed to get laundry done, buy food storage, clean the car, clean my desk, organize my files, bake banana bread, make dinner, groom two animals, take a test, make a plan, frame some pictures, scan some others and talk to friends!

Not a bad day for an unemployed girl.

Now, if only there were sex in that list...

My colleague, Amanda, shared these with me last week. I have bolded the points I particularly agree with. If you are interested in dating a Historic Preservationist or Architectural Historian, read below:
Preservation is not just about old buildings. Learn this very, very quickly.

I had a not great weekend as document on my solo blog. It was an ickfest. And the today I woke up to the first day of fall. And I wanted to climb back in bed until early April. And then, I remembered.

Ladies and Gentlemen, HEROS! Is back on! Tonight!

I feel a swoon coming on.

Ever been imprisoned by wind? It's enough to drive one crazy. I hate Hurricane Ike and long for someone to reach out their hand and command, "Peace! Be still." Until then, my heart and prayers go out to those who are in the storm's path. May God protect you and fortify your hearts. May you have the strength to accept and endure the storm's results. My sympathies to all who are or may be affected. God be with you.

Thursday I left Missoula, after a fantastic breakfast at Paul's Pancake Parlor with my new friend C., for Glacier. I've been planning for about two months to take a massive camping trip--to Banff. All things considered (read: fuel costs) I decided that it would be fun to stop at Glacier and do some hiking there. Scanning Craigslist--oh, CL, how I love thee--I managed to find most everything I needed second-hand and cheap! Best way to build the armory of things you'll use to play in the dirt, I say.

So, breakfast finished I head over to Derek & Beth's to pick up some firewood. I reach back into the pile and get one good piece, reach in again and get STUNG BY A WASP on my ring finger. Not a happy experience. When there is any type of insect venom in my system my body says, "HEY! I chance to be huge and red! We'll take it!" (see picture below--remember that all comments should be directed to woe not debunking of my pain) and off it goes. This time was no exception. After swearing and moving my CTR ring, I thought, "Fine! I'll *buy* wood, freaks!" and off I went.



The drive to Glacier isn't a bad one, you spend most of the time around the shores of Flathead Lake and on interesting roads. The drive through Glacier is even better--even with this...



The work on Going To The Sun road is extensive and the first trip over took me about three times longer than it usually does. Really, I don't mind. After all, you're looking at this...



I camped at Rising Sun for the three nights I stay and it was the most perfect little spot! My site had a secluded little spot for my tent, nestled in some trees and great underbrush--perfectly private. I was right against the mountain, not a soul but me near that end of the campground. Which was amazing and perfect! And then the ranger came by and said, "We haven't had any bears in camp for a day or so but be really sure to secure your food properly when you're this near the hills, ok?" I thought, "Ok! I can do that." But, as it turns out, it gets dark at night too! Bears! And the dark! Good lord.

I have to be the only girl in the world who goes camping and forgets that she's deathly afraid of the dark. Sheesh.

Luckily, I live through the night for this sunrise.



The next morning was filled with the un-photoed fun of fixing my tire. Yes, that's right, I managed to rip a hole in the sidewall of my tire on the first day of my trip. On the up side, I managed to change it myself, call my own tow truck and get it all fixed! Between that and making fire, I was feeling damn proud of my skillz. With my fixed tire, Friday was spent on a series of tiny hikes that people who are 90-years-old with oxygen frequent. Like this one...





It was also an exciting day because on my way back over to camp I saw my first grizzly! The bear was fantastically majestic, running up the side of a very steep mountain just off GTTS road. I tried to catch him but instead I got a picture of this...



Saturday was my big hiking day. Since I worked in the park ages ago, I've wanted to hike the Highline Trail. Generally if one was to do that, you'd have to hitchhike back to Logan Pass--I was not about to do that. Last year, however, Glacier implemented a shuttle service so you can take advantage of these great hikes and still get back to your car safely. Love it! Eventually I'd like to do the full trail, including dropping over into Grinnell Glacier but when you're hauling the equivalent of a full-grown male walrus on your posterior (read: my fat bum!) it's a miracle just to do the 11.6 miles.



To say that every mile is breathtaking would be lying. It's just the first eight or so. The last four are mainly groves and illustrative of how a forest heals after fire. I chose the trail specifically for the busy, popular nature of it. The last thing you should be doing as a novice hiker in bear country is hiking alone on mostly unused trails. At all points there were people in front of and behind me albeit usually out of sight. Or like this...



I saw big-horned sheep, mountain goats, marmots, deer and tons of other little creatures. I was satisfied with my lack of predatory animal sightings. I think a couple of my favorite animal moments were these...





That mom and baby were only feet off the trail! The little man before them caused quite a traffic back-up because he wouldn't leave the trail and his grazing until the full jam of us (eight or ten people) clapped and asked vocally. Then he just sauntered off the trail a few feet and waited for us to pass.



The last four miles of this hike were brutal--all downhill and on sore legs. Not fun. I think the most unnerving part of the hike was in the middle of my descent to the road--I saw my first bear scat, four piles of it actually. Then I looked up and discovered that I was hiking alone in wide, amazing fields of berries. There's no areobic exercise that will raise your heart rate like that! I spent the next mile or so singing and clapping, wondering where in the hell the rest of the hikers I'd been seeing all day were. Nearing the end of the hike I was truly spent and came close to laying down on the trail and telling God to send in a mule or lose my potential forever. Luckily I pushed through that and got back to the road. I was so proud of myself!



All told, I hike just over 20 miles in two days--not bad for a softie! Saturday night my friend C. came to camp for a visit and lucky it was. It rained that night and C. was nice enough to let me crawl into the back of the SUV to sleep since I have a talent for choosing tent sites that are in the middle of massive puddles. Sunday morning we had some breakfast in the rain and then decided it was probably better for me to break camp and head home--after all, who wants to camp in the rain? Not me. So my very sore body and I got everything packed away in the car and called it a trip.

I could go on for hours about this park and how much I love it. It was the best weekend I've had in months and I can't wait until next summer! Better shape means better hikes--ones that require bear spray--and I can't wait to get started on seeing more of my favorite place on Earth.

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Mississippi or Florida . If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in MS .

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska .

Unfortunately, if your home is located in MS or Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska .

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says " Florida ," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! MS and Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: it's great living in Paradise

Every now and then I come upon a song that moves me to the core, that connects to something personal in a way I didn't expect. Where I stood by Missy Higgins is one of those songs. I wish I had heard this in 2002! Perfection.

Here's the meme:
If you want to play too, type your answer to each of the questions below into a Flickr search. Using only the first page, choose your favorite image, then copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows). Leave a comment if you play, so I can have a peek.

The questions:

1. What is your first name? (Stephanie)
2. What is your favorite food? (Crisp & Juciy Chicken, DC)
3. What high school did you attend? (Saugus, CA)
4. What is your favorite color? (green)
5. Who is your celebrity crush? (Simon Baker)
6. Favorite drink? (Coke)
7. Dream vacation? (Around the world in 180 days)
8. Favorite dessert? (Magic Cookie Bars)
9. What do you want to be when you grow up? (See picture)
10. What do you love most in life? (family)
11. One word to describe you. (gregarious)
12. Your Flickr name. (StephinMT)


1. Stephanie, 2. Rotisserie Peruvian Chicken, 3. What to do in Saugus:, 4. green spar, 5. baby - the other "other" white meat, 6. Coke or Pepsi?, 7. Cruising along at 39,000 feet, 8. 7-Layer or Magic Bars resting on a pottery dish, 9. the (e)x, 10. Golden monkey, 11. A very gregarious Su rolls around in the snow, 12. View from Edgewater bar "Six Seven"

...that was an utterly breathtaking Opening Ceremony. I'm simply stunned at how amazing it was.

Boo, my love, I didn't know you when this was made but everytime I hear it I think of you. :)

xo

Me

I laughed out loud when I saw this commercial.

I'm sure that by the time I die I will have devoted more words to my love of wind than even, say, love of my mother.

Today was a humid day for Montana and I spent it prepping my tiny yard for new grass seed. Why am I working on improving a rental property? Just cause. It's something to fill my days with. Soon the childrens will go back into college and someone will need a waitress and that's how I'll support myself until I finish this damn degree. Until then, the hours stretch on. So I work on the yard to keep myself from running into the nearest bar and screaming, "Please! Physical affection! I'll pay you!"

But I digress.

The air was still as I worked today and I just thought about how good it would feel if there were a breeze. Tonight I was rewarded with a huge thunder storm. I love mobile air. And my Mom.

If I could, I'd make you all come sprawl out all over my room with headphones and listen to Flavors of Entanglement over and over and over.

This is my latest favorite. I'm sure it will change tomorrow.

In May I accepted a contract position working as an Architectural Historian for my enterprise. Accepting the position had several consequences; a) I would have to leave my beloved friends in Washington for three months b) I would live in Mississippi for at least three months c) I would miss Washington in the summer d) I would compromise my romantic relationship and forsake any hope of future romance with eligible bachelors. A weighty decision indeed.

I have now been in "Mississip" for over two months and there is a very good possibility I will be here for a few additional months. Although I miss my friends more than I can express, I have met some very interesting individuals on the gulf coast. Most of the people I know and interact with, are my colleagues.

Recently I was assigned to work with an archaeologist and another architectural historian on a project in southeast Mississippi. The archaeologist is my age but the other architectural historian is a recent graduate of a MA program. Working with females close to my age with similar academic and professional interests has been very liberating. We spend several hours in the car commuting to the "field." During this time many interesting conversations have occurred. Such as one we engaged in earlier this week.

AH: So, I notice you have a few tattoos.
A: Yep. I really like them.
AH: That's cool.
Me: Did it hurt? You know...
A: No. (Pointing to her latest tattoo) I really want to get this one filled.
AH: My girlfriends and I decided when we finished our thesis papers at (insert university) we would get a tattoo representing our thesis.
Me: Really?
AH: Yeah. Mine was in Yellowstone. So, I was thinking it should be Old Faithful.
A and I: Interesting.
AH: Yeah, and I think the best place would be between my legs.
A: Bursts out laughing.
Me: Aghhhhhhhhh! Aghhhhhh! Aghhhh! Did you really just say that? Did I hear you correctly? I don't think you just said that to me.
A: That was awesome.
Me: I can't believe you just said that.
AH: Laughing.
Me: I am totally blogging about this.
AH: That's fine. Blog.

Amber and I have heard lots recently about how quiet things have been here. I know she won't mind me speaking a gentle apology to our friends.

I was sitting here at my desk today thinking about how much time I have to think right now. I know, I hear it. It's the first sign of hermitage. Don't worry. We're not truly at risk of my adoration for all things social ceasing.

Anyway, I'm getting off track. What I'm trying to say is that with sufficient time to pause and think, you start sorting through stuff. I think both Amber and I are doing that now. We're sorting through what we want next, how to deal with the decision of the past and all that's associated with those. While it's noisy in my head, I'm surprised by how much I enjoy the quiet of my life here and how much it's showing me about my true colors.

In any case, please excuse our lack of outer expression for a bit. We'll be back in force eventually. In the mean time, go kiss a hot boy as a tribute to us.

I was watching House tonight and it was featured on an episode. I couldn't love it more.

(overcast day + shiny new laptop) + unemployed = day in bed studying.

I know we never blog anymore. Sorry about that. On the up side, I'm blogging today!
I just want to tell you "Happy Birthday!" Thank you for being in my life. I was talking to Alisa this morning about her new friend. She was really surprised that two girls so different seem to be destined for a great friendship--and I knew exactly how she felt.

From the first moments with the bathroom fans to sleeping with you in Kentucky, my love you for you has only altered to grow. You're my constant, my rock. I love you more than I can say and I hope you have a perfect, happy birthday. Even if I'm here and you're there.

If you get bored, just get out the hammer.

I couldn't let this day pass without wishing you a Happy Mother's Day. I have dreaded this day since you passed but no matter how much I would like to reverse time or stop it entirely it arrived nonetheless.
I spent most of the morning in bed, only getting out of bed to bathe and prepare lunch. After my company left I went back to bed and slept until dinner. It has been raining all day, but the absent sunshine made sleep easier.
I ate dinner with the Marchants. Jenny, Emma and Xander leave for Vietnam this week and Marlow and Christy were in town visiting them. Kristy offered lots of hugs and encouragement. It was a great way to pass the evening. Emma and Xander were all hugs and kisses; two things I desperately needed.
I returned to an empty apartment and desires to call you; to talk to you about anything and everything. For the opportunity to tell you I love you and hear you say it in return. Hell, right now I would settle for a feeling. If I could just feel your love that would be something but I can't feel anything. Nothing. I miss you more than you will ever know. I think about you all the time. I know you often thought you had failed as a mother; you often said Josh and I deserved a better Mom but you never understood that we didn't want any other Mother. What made you special is that you were OUR mother. God sent us to YOU. Did you drive us crazy? Yes. But we would rather have you here driving us crazy than what we have now.
You probably recognize the picture above. Josh and I bought you the card and print at the Liahona and gave it to you for Mother's Day years ago. The mother in the print reminded us of you. The print is titled Eternal Mother and that is exactly what you are now; eternal. Your spirit will live forever, one of the few consolations I have during our time of separation. Wherever you are I hope you were/are recognized for being a wonderful mother to two children who call your name blessed. What higher esteem can a woman aspire to than that?
Thank you for all the wonderful memories, for the love, hope, encouragement and strength you gave us. We love you and miss you terribly, especially on this day for mothers.
Love you forever-
Sissy

Today is April 30th, one day before your birthday and three months since you passed. A little less than a month ago, as I was writing you a letter I thought about this day and panic set in. How was I going to survive, not only the three month anniversary, but what should have been your 52nd birthday the very next day?! May, I have predicted and continue to believe, is going to be the month from hell. The end of every month for the rest of my life is going to suck because it will mean one more anniversary; one more reminder. Then we kick off May with your birthday and Sunday, May 11th is Mother's Day. With all these important milestones looming I decided to plan a trip.

This morning I am flying to Savannah. I am staying on Tybee Island. Why Savannah? Johnny Mercer is from Savannah. He wrote the song "Moon River," one of your favorites. In memory of you and your birthday I am going to stand on the banks of the Moon River and celebrate you. I have to go because my ride is here but I couldn't leave without telling you Happy Birthday! I hope wherever you are they still celebrate birthdays. I couldn't imagine a heaven without celebrations. If that is so, I know you will have a party unlike any I could ever give you. Here's to 52 Mom. I love you!

That crunching sound you hear? That me. In front of a fast-moving train.

You're 90% of the friend you once were!

You go girl! We're all proud of the progress!!

I loved Anna Nalick's first album. Today, cruising around YouTube, I found this song. I have to confess that I'm addicted to it already.

...Kindness always wins, Stephanie.

Always, always, always.

The Universe

Thank you for making it possible to answer all my emails! Without your casual invitation to hockey all those years ago, I'd never have finished answering my work email from March. All I can see as the announcers say "Forsberg" is his beautiful face skimming over the ice in Philly.

I owe it all to you. Go Avs! Go Caps! Lord, I love HOCKEY!

I think my 1950's kitchen is inspiring me. I listened to this song again today and I have to say, it's everything a person needs!

Two weeks ago, Dad drove up from Grandma's house to spend some time with me. It was exactly what I needed. Although I offered him the bed he slept on the pull-out couch in the living room. I felt so bad. The mattress looked so uncomfortable but you know Dad. He can sleep anywhere and after taking a Tylenol PM I didn't even hear him snore.
I can tell retirement suits him. He no longer has a problem sleeping in. Although he arrived on Wednesday I decided to work Thursday and take Friday off.

He joined me for lunch at the cafe and then visited with Larry for bit. After work I ordered a pizza and we watched a movie. Not only did the pizza arrive twenty minutes late the crust was burnt. I was furious! As much as I order from them...Shoot. Never again.
Friday morning Dad and I got up around 8:30 and took the train into Washington. The weather was perfect! The blossoms were gorgeous. I wish you could have been with us. You would have loved them. Washington with the cherry blossoms in bloom is magical.
Sitting on the steps of the Jefferson, so Dad could rest, we watched the cutest little princess climb up and down the steps in her taffeta dress and pig tails. I always said I wanted to adopt an Asian baby and seeing this photo I don't see how anyone could argue against it. She was so cute! Her parents had the video camera running non-stop. She seemed to enjoy every minute of it.
Although you can't see them in this photo, she had tennis shoes on and before her parents removed it, a white sweater. I love it when kids wear mismatched clothing. I think it makes them more endearing.
Continuing our stroll around the tidal basin, Dad and I spotted a beautiful magnolia tree in full bloom. Crossing the street for a photo we saw the statue pictured below. Although I have lived in DC for over three years I never realized the statue was a representation of George Mason. For some reason I always thought this statue represented Longfellow. Anyway, I couldn't resist posing with George, especially a George that was such good friends with "The George."

Making our way around the tidal basin we also stopped at the FDR Memorial. Do you remember the first time we walked through? We were with Jerry. It was during our trip in September of 2004. I interviewed with Longstreth and then we marched in the NMAI grand opening. That is one memory I will always cherish. Thank you for making that trip with me. It influenced my life in ways I couldn't imagine at that time.

I took this photo of Dad at the FDR in front of the waterfalls. I love this picture. I posted it in my cube at work. All my coworkers have commented on it. They were all impressed with him. They think he's sweet. I have yet to post a photo of you though. I want to get the photo of you and I at Joshie's wedding framed. I think that would look nice on my desk but I just haven't taken the time. Maybe I'm afraid of the questions or the things that people will say in response.

Of all the buildings in Washington, the Old Executive Office building formerly known the State, War and Navy Department building, is one of my favorites. It was designed by Alfred Mullett in the Second French Empire style. Every time I work at the Decatur House I stroll down 17th, making my way back through Lafayette Park so I can pass this building. I often think it seems out-of-place in Washington; a lot like me. The truth is, I don't know where I belong. I remember you often felt the same way. Hopefully you are content with your situation now.
Last night as I was sobbing in the bathtub, I am not sure why but this seems to be the place I break down the most, I questioned, "How could God take my mother? How could He do that? Especially when He knows everything?" The thoughts became progressively worse and more selfish, "Why would He do this to me? Does He hate me? Why is He punishing me this way? Why is my life so difficult? Why aren't things working out or at least improving? Why? Why? Why?"
I know its useless to even question. I have rarely received answers before but I have received a sense of peace; a feeling that everything is going to be OK and the universe is progressing as it should. I have not felt that yet and the delay is only generating more frustration and anger. Combine this with my purely selfish nature and you have one angry, bitter, frustrated woman who is tempted to lash out at everyone and everything.
Stephanie called last night and I think I dropped the f-word more times than I ever have, because we both know how much I loathe that word, as I was venting my frustrations to her. I apologized afterward and thanked her for being such a good friend; because she is.
She said a few things last night that made me think about my faith; or as everyone seems to think the lack thereof. Despite all the things I have tried to do right in my life; serving a mission, attending church faithfully, working in the temple, its not enough. It seems my faith is insufficient and perhaps, as several people have suggested, this experience will strengthen my faith.
I honestly feel I am at a crossroads in my life and the scariest part is I am not certain which road I will choose. I know I have not become the woman I imagined myself to be. The life I invision for myself seems out-of-reach and life without you just sucks. Since I can't bring you back sometimes I think, "what's the point?" If things are never going to improve why bother?
Dad's favorite answer seems to be, "you never know what tomorrow will bring." Well, I'll tell you now yesterday didn't bring much and today hasn't either and I seriously doubt tomorrow will be much different. It doesn't matter though. I will get up tomorrow, rain or shine, I will go to work, breathe in and out, even though I could care less about that, come home, make dinner and watch a movie. Thursday I will repeat the same routine all over again.
I hope things are different where you are. That you don't feel pain. That you aren't restless and unhappy. I hope you are surrounded by family and people you love. I just wish I knew; knew you were alright and that you still cared. That you haven't forgotten us and you miss us too.
Until I see you again I will always miss you. I love you Mom.
-Sissy

Dooce posted today about an exhibit she found stunning. I have to say that I agree. You can find it here.

Please know that the series is called "Life before Death" and features portraits of subjects on both sides of that title. I find the works stunning in their simplicity and humanity. There is something inherently beautiful in each of these bodies we have, even if we have trouble seeing it.